Owh last nite was terrible. So terrible. That's what I could imagine what myself was like. Pity my children for having me as their mother. Owh..so sad. I shldn't do that to them as I promised myself for not doing so again. Why I shld be like that!!!!!!!!Argh help me.............!!!!!Do I need a specialist to handle my case???????......If it helps why not???!!!
One thing I realised about myself which really bad and so unforgiven, whenever I'm restless, I'll become a bad mother. This week is a tiring week for me, with loads of work at the office..handle the kids alone without assistant (u know my husband is a weekend husband most of the weeks, every month), need to face their tantrums day in day out, need to care of their studies...its makes me restless. The fact i'm a temporary single mother that make me so tired. I just dont have enough sleep, as need to wake up so early plus my sleep is not a full sleep (mere taking a nap in fact!!) and plus my weekend is not just a weekend where u can stay at your own home lay around, do whatever you like...its totally not..I have to go back to MIL house..its a compulsory thingy which makes me feel being forced to do it...aargghh..pls gimme a break...I dont want my children to be as stressful as I am......... and I shldn't complaining as what I'm doing now rite!!!???But if complaining makes me feel well enough, makes me release then I think its ok, am i rite?? Owh Please...I need my Saturday..please my husband please understand me....
Why last nite so terrible for me??? I checked Ifah's school bag. I found out that the teachers had given her test papers. U know..she's doing well, in fact very well for 6 years old kid who enter Std 1 class and sit a test for Std 1 subjects plus all subjects in English except Bahasa Melayu & Arabic. I shld proud of her. She scored 83% for Maths (One part of the questions she did all wrong because not followed the instruction, the question asked her to underline the answers instead she wrote it, what she wrote were actually the correct answers but that's not as per to the instruction) & 100% for Computer, but what makes me loss my mind when I ask her to read she unable to read it correctly. Its a shameful act that I scolded her rather than taught her nicely. I slapped my face, I pulled out my hair and they all looked at me without blinking. I just can't let myself to do it. If my daughter had become emotionally distress I'm the one to be blame. Owh God..please give me some strength. I just can not become like this forever for the sake of my children...Its really too much for them.
After the shameful act, I called them up both. I kiss them and hug them and say that I really sorry for what I did just now. I asked Ifah whether she mad at me for scolding her, she said its just fine but I know deep inside it hurts her. I know and really know. She said mummy wants her to be good, mummy wants her to be excellance she will listen to me. I'm sorry love..Mummy really hope Mummy able to control myself, able to keep my anger distance. Please pray for me dear. Ya ALLAH please, ONLY YOU can help me.......!!! I shouldn't write the bad side of me rite??but I think its not fair for the children as mummy's not always a wonderful mummy at all time. Sometimes mummy is just like a "monster" to them...Let this bad side of mummy will not be in existence at all after this. Let my story become a history and good side of me shinning over them like a sunshine after rain where they can slide over the rainbow then fallin' over pink flowerbed. I'll see them laughing and dancing joyfully. That's very nice hah!! Well, I'm so release now...which is damn good..I feel lighter and lighter..ALHAMDULILLAH...AMIN..
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